Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Answer is Because

I received an interesting complaint today, in the form of a question.  I'd like to take this opportunity to encourage anyone curious about any aspect of the Ravus to feel free to ask any questions because I am somewhat of an expert on the subject of the Ravus since I went to highschool with him.  Let me preempt you there, yes, it was a strange time, and yes, I did enjoy a game or two of Jenga with him.

Anyway, the question was regarding the supposed "motives" of the Ravus: "What does it want from us?"  It might confuse you when I say that it wants everything and nothing.  He wants to take, and he wants to give nothing back.  It's that simple.  If you want him to take from you, he won't know what to do because he never ever does what he's asked, but at the same time, he knows that taking is hs life-force, if you will.  And he wants nothing because he knows that nothing will satisfy his intense ass cravings. (I may not have said before, but the Ravus loves ass most of all.)  Mostly, the Ravus takes out of boredom.  I'm sure many have asked the question before "What would you do with unlimited power?" and I'm sure there have been many unrealistic and poorly thought out answers about solving the problem of world hunger and creating world peace and curing cancer, etc.  For someone with infinite power, a.k.a. the Ravus, these answers are merely fairy tales.  He tried all of those things once but he realized utopia is terribly uninteresting.  He solved world hunger with massive corn crops and beef for everyone, but when all the food was put in front of him, it was much funnier to eat it all and laugh at everyone who didn't get anything.  World peace was simple for someone like the Ravus; he elected himself ruler of the world, made universal laws and actually came up with inalienable rights even before Jesus.  When it came time to give his first speech, however, he projectile farted into the crowd and caused the black plague because he said caring for the sick would give the people something to do.  He made a cure for cancer long before cancer even came about, but he put it on top of his refrigerator (he had the first one) where no one, not even himself, could reach it and soon after forgot about it.  Realistically, unlimited power will eventually turn everyone into a candy-and-beer-loving rapist who picks up consenting prostitutes all the time.  It's just the way life is I guess.

I said I'd talk more about Ravocabulary today, but I only have time for one phrase today, and I want to change the word to Ravuscabulary because it has more Ravus in it. Anyway, the phrase is "push-ups".  It has nothing to do with the frozen juice pops that have the Flintstones on them, and everything to do with exercising while you sex up a bartender.  You see, the Ravus knows nothing except building his massive muscles and achieving bodily depth (H x W x Depth I guess).  So when he's banging a sexy lady, he can't help but work out, and thus was borne the pushup.  The technique is this: the woman lies on her back and the Ravus does pushups on her face with his cock.  Why exert the extra energy you ask?  Because the Ravus takes as hard as he can every single time.  And besides, one pushup is enough to make anyone explode and that's what he wants most of all.  The Ravus loves assplosions.

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