Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Answer is Because

I received an interesting complaint today, in the form of a question.  I'd like to take this opportunity to encourage anyone curious about any aspect of the Ravus to feel free to ask any questions because I am somewhat of an expert on the subject of the Ravus since I went to highschool with him.  Let me preempt you there, yes, it was a strange time, and yes, I did enjoy a game or two of Jenga with him.

Anyway, the question was regarding the supposed "motives" of the Ravus: "What does it want from us?"  It might confuse you when I say that it wants everything and nothing.  He wants to take, and he wants to give nothing back.  It's that simple.  If you want him to take from you, he won't know what to do because he never ever does what he's asked, but at the same time, he knows that taking is hs life-force, if you will.  And he wants nothing because he knows that nothing will satisfy his intense ass cravings. (I may not have said before, but the Ravus loves ass most of all.)  Mostly, the Ravus takes out of boredom.  I'm sure many have asked the question before "What would you do with unlimited power?" and I'm sure there have been many unrealistic and poorly thought out answers about solving the problem of world hunger and creating world peace and curing cancer, etc.  For someone with infinite power, a.k.a. the Ravus, these answers are merely fairy tales.  He tried all of those things once but he realized utopia is terribly uninteresting.  He solved world hunger with massive corn crops and beef for everyone, but when all the food was put in front of him, it was much funnier to eat it all and laugh at everyone who didn't get anything.  World peace was simple for someone like the Ravus; he elected himself ruler of the world, made universal laws and actually came up with inalienable rights even before Jesus.  When it came time to give his first speech, however, he projectile farted into the crowd and caused the black plague because he said caring for the sick would give the people something to do.  He made a cure for cancer long before cancer even came about, but he put it on top of his refrigerator (he had the first one) where no one, not even himself, could reach it and soon after forgot about it.  Realistically, unlimited power will eventually turn everyone into a candy-and-beer-loving rapist who picks up consenting prostitutes all the time.  It's just the way life is I guess.

I said I'd talk more about Ravocabulary today, but I only have time for one phrase today, and I want to change the word to Ravuscabulary because it has more Ravus in it. Anyway, the phrase is "push-ups".  It has nothing to do with the frozen juice pops that have the Flintstones on them, and everything to do with exercising while you sex up a bartender.  You see, the Ravus knows nothing except building his massive muscles and achieving bodily depth (H x W x Depth I guess).  So when he's banging a sexy lady, he can't help but work out, and thus was borne the pushup.  The technique is this: the woman lies on her back and the Ravus does pushups on her face with his cock.  Why exert the extra energy you ask?  Because the Ravus takes as hard as he can every single time.  And besides, one pushup is enough to make anyone explode and that's what he wants most of all.  The Ravus loves assplosions.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Why does it kill?

Last night, I went out and got hammered drunk.  Like seriously, blackout drunk.  And I realized something: the Ravus takes whatever it wants whenever it wants.  He gives nothing back, and that's the most important part.  If you take nothing from the Ravus, he will take everything from you, for no reason whatsoever.

As I write this with my Ravus-sized hangover, it occurs to me that, for the average reader, there is an unfamiliarity with the terminology that is being used.  For example, the word "take" is a normal word in everyday context, but when the Ravus is involved the word takes on entirely different meanings.  It could mean the same thing as the everyday use: for you see, the Ravus often forces you to give him things regardless of your will.  This includes at times your own body, which he uses for his purposes.  The reason that there is a difference between the normal use of this word and the use of the word around the Ravus is that he takes so much, there is an entirely different level of take than what most people are used to.  Once you understand this, then you are ready to begin understanding the Ravus.  And once you understand the Ravus, you begin to fear the Ravus with a passion.

That's all my hangover will let me type, I need to go get some eggs and bacon.  I'll be back tomorrow though with some more Ravocabulary (that didn't really work but I think you see what I did there).

Thursday, April 14, 2011


This looks like the inaugural post of the Ravus Blog, and if you're reading this, you should probably close your browser and set fire to your computer; you don't want The Ravus to know that you know about the Ravus, y'know? If you want to be well on the safe side, burn your whole neighborhood down, it'll spare them the mass takings that are the result of an angered the Ravus.

Wait, who is The Ravus? Well good question (and by good, I really
mean bad.  The Ravus is kind of like the red pill, once you are aware of him, you can never forget.  And once you learn about him, trust me, you'll want to forget his asstrocities). I suppose an introduction is in order.

The Ravus is that big guy in the sky, the creator of everything, except that he walks around on Earth like any mortal man with bear-muscles.  His height: unassuming, his brain: limitless, his power: overwhelming. And yet, a stubborn creature is the Ravus.  If, for example, one instructs (or worse, demands) the Ravus to complete a task, he will turn around and do the opposite.  In fact, that is the very way in which the Universe as we know it was created: the G-Man told the Ravus not to create anything, so instead, the Ravus turned around and created everything in one single breath of his colon.  The smell was horrendous, and it knocked the G-Man on his ass and made him pass out for several millenia.  The Ravus, sideways-thrusting, then took from the G-Man several furious times.  When He finally came to, His judgment was a little "off" and it has been ever since.   Instead of being sympathetic, the Ravus rammed a feather into his head and called the G-Man limp macaroni.

And that's all I can think of, really, off the top of my head.  There's more to come (yesss) once I figure out how to properly expose the Ravus to the m asses.